“What people aren’t getting about this guy is that you can’t just teach everyone to pick up women by living some ranger danger lifestyle. That just doesn’t work for everyone.”
So said a certain, much older, “seduction guru” about me back in January on my Facebook wall.
It’s such a shame that, for as long as he’s been studying and teaching “game” and the human condition, he just doesn’t understand what I’m about to tell you.
Last night was an amazing night for a run. The breeze was just right as I hit the apex of the Williamsburg Bridge, and I was listening to Flo Rida’s latest club banger “The Club Can’t Handle Me.”
It was one of those perfectly happy moments that we wish we could hang onto forever, and owing in no small part to the music, it made me want to throw another party. I had a small, smile-inducing vision of what will be a great night with my girlfriend, all the guys I work with, and all of my friends and I… getting drunk, dancing our asses off to silly pop music, and probably creating a big ol’ mess.
And it struck me how far I’d come. In high school, I was a misanthropic punk rocker who wore a dog collar and had spiky orange hair. I hated pop music because popular people liked it. I hated Abercrombie because popular people wore it. And as you might guess, I resented girls because they didn’t like me much.
Things started to change around the age of 24 when I discovered that Andrew W.K. and the Jackass guys made partying ok, and shortly after moving to New York at 26, I found myself dancing to Kanye and T.I., surrounded by “models and bottles,” and loving every second of it.
Things are a lot more chill now, and I spend more time reading about business and God. But hey, when the clarion call of the party is sounded, it’s hard for a semi-pro to stay on the sidelines.
Besides Flo Rida, David Guetta and yours truly, you’ll also find hot women at hot parties. I long struggled to understand why so many women are attracted to clubs and not, say, existential philosophy. Well hmm… Kierkegaard’s words, while clever, don’t quite cause the same sense of elation as dancing drunk on a table to fun music and flashing lights.
Many of the photos on the Unbreakable website and my facebook come from partying, and I’m certainly not the only guy teaching this stuff who strikes a pose as a part-time balla. In fact, it seems to be some sort of fad for PUAs – both professional and aspirational – to stack their Facebook profiles with photos of them and five girls in a club.
So first of all, to the extent that I’ve contributed to the notion that’s the image of what it means to be good with women, please excuse me. Those photos were no small feat for a recovering misanthrope with social anxiety (a.k.a. moi and perhaps you), but it doesn’t mean that girls are in your in your life for much longer than the flash of a camera.
And more importantly, one could be mistaken for thinking the following by looking at those photos:
“This guy puts on some nice clothes, goes out to places where hot girls get drunk and dance, and then sells the lifestyle to other guys instead of the real stuff that will help them put women in their lives.”
Well first of all, look no further than any rap video to see how the pros sell the lifestyle. If you’ve ever spent too much on bottle service or Nike Air Force 1’s you bought in. But as my brilliant friend Dave Z pointed out, everyone except Diddy is a pawn in that game.
And more to the point, we have to separate causes and effects. The thing that the old seduction guru just didn’t understand was that the “game” being taught in Unbreakable is an effect, not a cause.
And the lifestyle is an effect, not a cause.
And the women are most certainly an effect.
In other words, it’s not “first you get the game, then you get the lifestyle, then you get the women.”
No, it’s “first you get yourself, then you get the game, then you get the lifestyle, then you get the women.”
YOU are the cause of your success. Not your game. Not your lifestyle. Those are effects of who YOU are.
In the case of yours truly, throwing parties, going for runs, enjoying silly Flo Rida songs and being good with girls… those are effects of the same cause – ME.
Race loves beer pong and he’s great with girls because of HIM.
Nick loves teaching and he’s great with girls because of HIM.
Some guys love “game” and are great with girls because that’s who they are.
Thinking that a “ranger danger” (btw I love that phrase!) lifestyle is the cause of being good with women is like saying that the iPhone is the cause of Apple’s success. Actually, it’s Steve Jobs who is at the root of Apple’s success, and the iPhone, the Macbook Pro, and the deliciously simple OSX are all effects.
It all comes down to this – what makes your world a place that you love to inhabit?
Or in other words, what drives and compels you?
In our years of experience working with clients, we’ve found that there are very few men who just love “banging bitches”, there are slightly more men who like “game,” there are more than that who are interested in social dynamics and the human condition, and there are even more than that who just want to be happy and connected to people who they like.
Where all of this really connects, and where once again I suspect that old man seduction is getting it wrong, is that once you know who you are, you can begin to serve others.
When I throw a party for all my friends…
When Race challenges someone to beer pong…
When Nick prepares for another night out with a client…
it’s all because those are some of the best ways we know to make people smile and enjoy their lives. We do our best to be givers, not takers, and you can bet that that extends to how we approach the women in our lives.
It wasn’t always this way and no one here is perfect, but this one concept – knowing what we can uniquely share with others to make their lives better, and desiring to give that – is at the root of the success that everyone here has with women. From a fun time during the initial pickup, to passionate excitement in the bedroom, to meaningful talks in a relationship.
When you switch to think this way, it means that you’re NOT out to serve yourself or your ego. I believe that the twin masters of self and ego rule over many of the men who never escape the seduction community, never settle down, and never find love.
I see a lot of marketing that says something to the effect of “be an amazing lover” or “be a better pickup artist” or “be a master seducer.”
The question that no one ever asks, though, is “why would I want to do that?”
And the completely unconscious answer that is going to drive your success in ANY of these realms is whether you’re doing it to serve women first, serve your ego first, or serve yourself first. People have been successful with all three, but only when they make a firm choice and stick by it.
You can’t half-ass it and serve women and your ego – your ego is a little bitch and does not like to be second to anyone.
And if you’re just serving yourself and your core desires, well, that little guy between your legs is a selfish mofo without much regard for who he’s involved with, so “woman” easily becomes “women”, often to the detriment of intimacy and trust.
I’m not suggesting that you become a doormat… the key point here is that you OWN yourself, your drive and your desire, and you put it to good use.
Ultimately, the choice is yours to make, but the moment you make it, you’re going to get some clarity about your direction and how to apply the stuff you’re learning.
I don’t know what’s right for you, exactly who you are, or what will get your ass up in the morning and light a fire under it to be a cause, and not an effect in your world.
But I sure as heck would love for us to be a part of you getting there, and having it filled with amazing women along the way.
It’s been proven to me (by my own experience) that you can meet proper “9’s and 10’s” – whatever that means to you – without having to make it rain dollar bills, pop bottles of Goose, or enjoy the chart toppers with ditzy girls at nightclubs… girls who, by most accounts, wish they could discover themselves and feel something deeper.
You’ve gotta be the guy who leads any woman there, though.