I wish I knew more about your situation! “Don’t have the best sex life” could mean a million things. Is it not enjoyable? Are you not having enough of it? Are you just bored?
I thought I’d take this opportunity to compose a brief, comprehensive guide to the most common problems and solutions that long term couple face in their sex life and hopefully I hit on the heart of your problem.
Has one of you has lost motivation? See if something else is wrong.
First, you need to determine if this is your run-of-the-mill rut, or if something else is going on.
- Rule out physical problems
If either of you are are suddenly feeling apathetic towards sex it could be a physical problem like depression, low testosterone, or a side effect of medication.
Click here to see a full list of the most common physical causes.
- Rule out relationship problem
If you’ve eliminated the possibility of something physical, it may not be your sex life, but your love life. Unfortunately, disinterest in sex is sometimes just a symptom of a bigger relationship problem. To get your sex life back on track, you have to get your relationship back on track. And there’s no way to sort this out without talking to her about it.
Are you’re having less sex than you’d like to? Find ways to make time for it.
There could be a million reasons why you’re having less sex than you’d like to. In this section let’s skip the “why” and go straight to ideas for how to incorporate it back into your life.
- Put less pressure on sex
Maybe your partner would be more willing to have sex more often if they knew it didn’t have to be a big three hour long event every time. (Even if you wish that it could always be a mind blowing marathon, compromise and) let her know that you’d be happy being more intimate with her in any way; let her know lazy sex is okay (sometimes). Let her know you’d be okay with her watching and helping you get yourself off (sometimes). Let her know that she doesn’t have to reciprocate every time.
In the same vein, be conscious of your timing. If you know that she doesn’t have much energy at night, initiate in the morning. If you know Fridays are her long days, initiate on another day.
- Friendly bets
One of my favorite ways to get things going again after a slump is with friendly competition. If you bet sexual favors on the outcome of a football game you’re watching together, or the card game your playing, or what time your food will arrive to the table, it not only creates an agreed upon sexual encounter in the near future, but it also makes the night out more fun and exciting.
- Schedule sex
There’s a stigma against planning or scheduling sex, thinking that it makes it boring, or feel an obligation.
But here’s the trick. Don’t schedule a certain day or the week. But instead, agree that you will both initiate ___ times a month. This way it incentivizes initiation when you guys are most likely to want it, (instead of having a set date where, when it comes time, one of you might not be in the mood for whatever reason).
I especially recommend this for people who would like their partner to get things going more often.
If it wasn’t that great to begin with? Learn to be better in bed.
You’re going to want to have better sex more often if you enjoy it more.
She’s going to want to have better sex more often if she enjoys it more.
So you guys got to get better.
- Resolve to get better
Decide you are going to be a master of your craft. Decide you will be the motherfu**cking expert at getting her off. Buy every instructional book you can get your hands on (starting with this one). Check out every “How to” video. There’s a lot of BS to wade through, but you’ll eventually hit on kernels of truth along the way. And anyways the trial and error period will be a fun experiment.
Yeah, you should talk to her to see what she likes, but a lot of times it’s hard to articulate. Instead, ask her to…be more enthusiastic when you’re on the right track in the moment. Women who are shy to talk about sex will usually find that this is an easier way to communicate what they like.
- Help her get better
If she’s missing the mark in bed, you got to coach her (gently). You gotta talk to her. Tell her what you like. Use lots of positive reinforcement. Guys aren’t usually as expressive in bed, but being more vocal and enthusiastic when she’s on the right track will show her what you like and encourage her to do it again in the future.
Conversely, if she’s doing something you don’t like, either (gently) tell her that you’re not so much into ____, but you love it when she _____! Or when you’re in the moment, don’t respond in that same enthusiastic way that you did previously.
If there’s no emotion behind it? Focus on the build up.
- Set the mood as early as possible
Tease her in the morning. Send her dirty “thinking about you” texts and pictures all day (if that’s what y’all are into). Let her know how much she’s on your mind and how much she turns you on.
- Go heavy on the foreplay
Don’t skip straight to sex. Make her want it. Put the advice from the last section to use.
- Make a pact to stop masturbating
This advice isn’t for all couples in all situations. Sometimes masturbating is the only thing keeping you sane and happy when you’re in a sex slump. But if you both are committed to reigniting the spark you once had, you might challenge each other to stop jacking it, which will require you to obtain your sexual release from (or at least in the presence of) your partner.
Has it become routine? Novelty, Novelty, Novelty.
As a lady who is easily bored, novelty is my everything.
There are a million articles out there promising TO SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE! The vast majority of these focus on novelty, so I’m going to keep this short. Try new nouns: people, places, and things (BONUS! and positions).
Contrary to advice in the second section, if novelty is what your after, make sex an event. Have a night for you guys to look forward to—say, once a week or twice a month—and put your new found novelty to use.
Sometimes, even the act of talking about sex with your partner, reading about new things, planning new adventures can make you guys closer, more fulfilled, and excited about this new chapter in your sex life.
If nothing works? Ride it out.
Your sex life with your long term partner will naturally have high periods and low periods. Know that this is normal, and sometimes all you can do is wait for the high times to come back.
And if it doesn’t come back? You might consider seeing a sex therapist and/or begin to really consider if you are willing to (As Dan Savage says) “pay price of admission,” a mediocre sex life, for all of the other wonderful things you and your girlfriend share.
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