I’m in my mid 20s, I have Asperger’s and I used to have panic attacks at the thought of approaching beautiful women. Thanks in part to The Social Man courses I am doing a lot better, striking up conversation with groups of women and getting on really well with them. I’ve come a long way. It seems however I make a good platonic impression but rarely generate sexual interest. How can I escalate with one member of a group of women when they are part of a group I’ve engaged?
First of all, congratulations for all the work you’ve put in and how far you’ve come already.
You seem to be pretty plugged in to our community, so you might have already seen this video, but nobody breaks down this “art of escalation” like Nick Sparks. In general, if you are finding it difficult to make a move, or show her that you’re interested as more than friends, you have to check this video out.
Between Nick and Christian, they pretty much have it covered. But there’s another layer of complication when you’re interested in a women who’s out with her friends.
You say that you have gotten pretty good about striking up conversation, but where do you go from there?
- SHOW her that you’re interested
- READ her response
- Find ways to CONNECT LATER
SHOW her that you’re interested
Sure, women assume that when a guy approaches a group of girls out that they’re interested in someone at the table. But it’s possible that she isn’t aware that you’re interested in her.
If, in the scenario you mentioned, you’re interested in one woman in this group, find ways to single her out.
This can be challenging because you want to single her out without being TOO focused on her or seem rude to her friends.
Here are some ways to do this:
- (Obviously) you should be warm, active, and engaged in her contribution to the conversation especially. This will put you on her radar. It’ll provide more opportunities for connection and eye contact.
- Try to find ways to talk to her one on one.
- Another great way to single her out in a casual way is to note when her drink is low, and offer another but then quickly make a polite offer around the table.
“_____, can I get you another drink? Anyone else need another?”
I’m all about putting yourself out there without putting yourself all the way out there until you are more sure about how she feels. You’re giving her signals in such a way that if she’s interested, she’ll likely read it as flirtation. But if she ends up having a boyfriend or is not interested, this is casual enough to be interpreted as a friendly gesture.
READ her response
Is she being friendly or is she interested? As a bisexual woman, I had to become a master of figuring this out if I wanted to hit on a girl in a not-gay bar. I feel your pain.
See if you catch her making eye contact with you when someone else is talking or when there’s a lull in conversation. People tend to look at the person speaking, but it’s natural for people’s gaze to flit around. Don’t stare at her; let this naturally happen.
When y’all lock eyes, linger there briefly and smile.
- Does she smile back? No? ….Then she might not be interested.
- If she did smile back, was it a forced, polite smile or a genuine smile?
- Does she keep smiling after she looks away? (That’s a great sign.)
- Does her gaze keep finding its way back to you?
After you’ve been sending her the signals we’ve talked about, see if she reciprocates them.
Is she smiling back? Is she super engaged when you talk? Is she looking for ways to spend one on one time with you?
If so, congrats! Chances are she’s super into you. If not, there still may be hope.
Find ways to CONNECT LATER
Don’t feel bad if you don’t totally hit it out of the park with her in that moment. Really, a lot of the stuff I mentioned above only works if there is an instant connection. Sometimes it takes a while to develop this kind of interest and escalation.
In order to do that, you have to have a way to contact her later.
I, personally, don’t go in for the hard ask (“Can I get your number”) unless I’m about 95% sure she’s into me.
So, here’s another way to put yourself out there without fully putting yourself out there. Find a reason for her to give you her number. A lot people interpret a direct ask and exchange of numbers as, ‘I’m interested in you; you’re interested in me.’ If she’s not instantly interested, some girls are hesitant to give out their number because they don’t know if they will be and don’t want to give the false impression of being 100% on board.
To put less pressure on this situation, instead offer this:
- “Hey let me get your [number/Facebook/email] so I can send you a link to that [song/movie clip/article] I was talking about.”
Since this isn’t an agreement to go out, just to talk a little more, she’ll generally be way more receptive. This is usually better one on one, but if you’re in a group, the ask is even easier.
- “I’ve had a lot of fun with you guys. Let me get y’all’s info and we should hang out again sometime. This sounds like a direct ask, but there is not same pressure since you are talking to everyone.
Remember, just because she gave you her number doesn’t meant that she’s interested. You still have work to do, and it all starts with reaching out to her. Don’t forget that the first message you send her is vital, so make it good! Not sure what to say when you’re ready to text her the next day? Get tips here. So, reach out, hang out, get to know her, show her you’re interested, read her response, and move forward or move on.
Good luck out there!