A Two-Way Street: Why You Are Also To Blame For Your Break-Up
When break-ups occur, it’s messy no matter what.
We tend to feel like we broke up with a person because of certain reasons that made sense to us.
Sometimes, we get broken up with ourselves and become blindsided by the whole situation. Regardless of the case, it is tough to handle it.
We naturally feel emotional about the decision if it was a longer relationship.
In the beginning, you asked her out, and that was already tough to do, but they felt the same and it was cool.
Then we decided to grow with them and tell them about ourselves, so they knew everything. Anything that happened to us then on out was told to them first, even over parents and other friends.
They became THE person in our life. No one else seemed to trump that, and this is actually a good and healthy way to be.
There is nothing wrong with putting them as the first person in your life.
The closer we get, the tougher it is to be apart from them. We get so close that we contemplate marriage, and sometimes people go through with it.
Others may get close and hold off. Regardless of what occurs, the closeness you feel with them was too good to avoid.
You stayed and so did they. Then, one day, it was over. Just like that, all you put into this went up in smoke.
It was like being fired from your team on the video game FIFA right when you started to finally get some great young players to help you win.
You were so close and just needed another year. So, she wants to break up or you do, and the other may want to know what went wrong and what they could have changed.
Both times, it gets complicated. They just do not feel the same, but why did they feel so good and suddenly everything died? Or why did it die for you?
This is a bit loaded, but I’ll explain it through a personal story of my own. I was once together with a woman for four years.
I loved her very much and we were engaged to be married. I even gave her a family ring to wear for an engagement ring and planned to buy new ones for her and I when we finally got “hitched” as it were.
She loved this idea and felt that it was wonderful to be engaged.
We were happy for a long time, and then one day she tells me it is over. Now, she then began to tell me these things that did not make any sense.
I could not talk any sense into her, and I felt as though it happened all so suddenly. What could I have changed?
What could I have done? What did I do that made me so undesirable to her that she’d want to leave?
She seemed to lack the ability to tell me everything, and she had difficulty talking to me about stuff that bothered her.
She always held stuff in until she blew up, which I tried to avoid by having her tell me when something went bad.
Except this time, it was over and there was no turning back. She ended up in a new relationship shortly after, and she is supposedly happy in her marriage to another guy.
I started to think about this in my single man time period. Was I wrong to feel hurt by this or was she right for wanting to leave? Was I as bad as she seemed to make me out to be?
It is not like I was ever a bad person, pressured her to do anything she did not want to do, or made her feel bad. We barely ever argued.
I then, now in my single state, realized what went on. For the first bit after the break-up, I was hurt and did not handle things well.
Of course, I got the “we can still be friends” line, which is usually BS. No one involved in that kind of relationship can be good friends after a break-up.
I began to realize that, after I started to handle things better, I learned things.
See, I learned that I was wrong in the relationship a lot. Whether she said it or not, I was wrong about many things and I should have been better.
Should she have told me if something bothered her? Sure. But in the end, it was my stupidity in doing the wrong acts and seemingly not caring.
She mentioned wanting to do things, which I told her we would do but did not.
She would want to stay over and be around me, but since my writing career was kicking off, I was busy with work a lot and ignored her more than I wanted to.
Since I was in college as well (full-time too), I was busy on top of the work. She just wanted me to spend more time when she was there.
I could have time-managed better, however. I could have done more with her and I could have been better all around.
I fell into a depression and I had my own problems to deal with too, and I blamed her for this for a long time. But then I realized, I was to blame for a lot of this.
Let’s be honest, I could have done everything right. That does not mean the relationship would have worked out. It would have helped, however. I needed to realize this, and it did take some time.
When I came to grips with it, this helped me with future relationships. Not just ones with other women, but friends as well. I was able to be better all around.
While I may still make mistakes, I am human and bound to do so. However, I know of them and I do not blame others for it when it was my blunder.
Whether my ex knows it or not, she helped to make me a better man by breaking up with me. If she did not, she would have been miserable and I would have been too.
A relationship with two miserable people isn’t a relationship, it’s a prison. We were both too good for that. She just figured it out before I did.
This is big to know and learn from. As we’re all trapped in this world of human emotion where we want to believe we’re somehow the only one that matters.
This is true even when we do not believe it is. Our happiness is all that matters. But when you’re in a relationship, it is 50/50.
Your job is to make your partner happy as it is their job to make you happy. When one fails to do this, it makes the other have to figure out why.
I was selfish, even when I did not mean to be. This was essential to learn.
If I would have figured all of this out those many years ago, perhaps things would be different. I cannot know this for sure, nor is it right for me to try to do so.
Time is sensitive, and we only have so much of it.
We never know when our time is up for anything, especially relationships. This is why we have to be better.
We must learn from the past to be better for the future. If we never do this, we’ll continue to fail. What do we truly want to do? Fail consistently or succeed continuously?
We all deserve the latter. Now, go forth and learn. Do better, be better.
The moment you learn from your past and apply changes, you can be better for the person you’re with now or the person you’ll be with, in the future.